"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
This passage is from one of Ryan and mine favourite children’s story, The Velveteen Rabbit. We used to cuddle up on the couch or lay in bed and read this book. Ryan related to the boy in the book, because the boy had a beloved toy rabbit that was there by his side through his illness and he loved the rabbit so much and the rabbit loved him so much that the rabbit became real. Ryan had a stuffed cat and a pink elephant that were beside him during all of his operations and hospitals stays. These two were his best friends because they went with him everywhere, even places that Mommy and Daddy weren’t allowed to go, such as operating and recovery rooms. Ryan loved them so well that they became real.
I share that story because Ryan loved it and because Ryan was REAL, and he could never be ugly except to people that don’t understand. Those of you that knew and loved Ryan knew how beautiful his heart was. From the youngest age he wanted to make a difference in the world. He was always trying to do whatever he could to help others and would share everything he had with his family, his friends, and even strangers.
One day when he was about 3 or 4 he was standing at our kitchen pantry filling one of those paper bags that comes in the paper around Thanksgiving with all the cans and boxes we had. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was filling up the bag with food for those that were hungry. I said that is very nice but if you give them all our food what are we going to eat. He said we had money so we could just go to the store and buy more. That is what we did. Every time we got a paper bag he would fill it up and we would go buy more food. One morning when he was 5 he was watching TV while I was doing chores. He called me from the other room and told me someone wanted to talk to me on the phone. I thought it strange since I hadn’t heard the phone ring. It was World Vision. Ryan was so moved by the commercial and distressed that there were children that were hungry and in need of help that he called the number and told the lady he wanted to sponsor a child. She told him she would need to speak to his mom first. We sponsored that child and Ryan took his role as a sponsor very seriously. He would buy toys, books and stickers to send and we would write letters. I remember the first time we went downtown Toronto to see a Blue Jays game. There was a homeless man sitting right outside the subway station and I gave him what change I had which wasn’t much. I felt bad that I didn’t have more to give and Ryan must have felt bad too because every time we went to Toronto after that Ryan would empty his piggy bank so we could help the homeless we might meet on the way.
Ryan was a born advocate and activist. He wrote his first protest letter when he was 10 years old. It was in protest of cuts to childcare which would affect me an Early Childhood Education and his little sister that went to daycare. His letter and poem were read on the lawn of Queens Park before thousands of childcare workers and parents that came out to protest. This was a proud day for Ryan and for me, his mom. We advocated and protested for many causes together. Ryan was so aware of the world and what was going on and he wasn’t afraid to put himself out there and stand up for what he believed in. We went to so many rallies and protests. We protested the Seal Hunt, Human Rights Violations of the G8 summit, cuts to social programs to name a few. In 2011 my husband, daughter and I headed down to Toronto to meet Ryan so we could all attend Jack Layton’s election night party. That night Jack Layton made history becoming the first NDP leader of the opposition. The room was packed, the cheers were loud and I can still see Ryan’s Irish eyes smiling so brightly because there was hope for a better future for all Canadians. We were all so happy that night. We couldn’t stop thinking of how much better things might be for those that most needed their government to care about them.
I always thought that Ryan was too smart and too sensitive for this world. He had the IQ of a genius and the soul of a poet. This made life very hard for him. His eyes and his mind were awake and open. He opened my eyes to so many injustices in this world and he convinced me to become an ethical vegan as he himself was one. He was such an animal lover and he was a passionate animal rights activist. He felt very strongly that since animals have no voice and no rights someone needed to speak for them. He elected himself to be their voice. Ryan was living in Toronto and working on his Master’s degree when he heard about the University of Victoria’s plan to cull over 1000 rabbits. He used his savings and immediately flew across the country to save the bunnies. He organized a campaign that included letter writing, petitions, radio and TV interviews and rallies and protests. Thanks to Ryan’s efforts the campaign was successful in relocating all the rabbits to new homes across Canada and the US.
Ryan was super proud of his Irish Heritage so much so that he earned a degree in Celtic Studies. He was an avid reader and writer. From babyhood onward he was in love with literature. He was so well read. He felt so at home in libraries. He believed in the power of reading. He was an advocate for access to information and freedom of speech. He earned a Masters degree in Information and Library Sciences. He loved working as a librarian and so enjoyed his time working at the Rare Books Collection library at U of T. He used to call to tell me all the time about the rare books at that library and why they were so special. Being that both of us were poets and writers we always had this dream of opening up a Coffee shop/bookstore or Board games and books café where we would host open mike music and poetry nights.
Ryan was a gifted musician that could play by ear and he played many instruments including guitar, violin, harp, piano and keyboard. He loved to sing and when he sang he sang his heart out. When he was growing up we used to have family karaoke nights and Ryan would steal the show. My fondest memories of those nights were when we would do our country music duets together. I know that he will deny this but Ryan was born a mama’s boy and he remained a mama’s boy for his whole life. When he was a baby I couldn’t put him down without him crying so I had to carry him around in a pouch so I could get housework done. People used to joke and we earned the nickname Kanga and Roo.
The past 8 years have been a struggle for Ryan as a traumatic breakup triggered his Bipolar Disorder while he was living alone in Edmonton. We knew if he stayed there he would die and so my husband flew across the country to bring Ryan home to me. Ryan struggled and fought his best to stay strong and stay alive despite having the odds doubled stacked against him having to live with both Bipolar Disorder and Substance Use Disorder. Life was hard these past years but the times Ryan was happiest were at family gatherings where he would be having intellectual debates with the adults or when he was playing and goofing around with his nephews and nieces. I think the role he was most proud of was that of Favourite Uncle. He was everyone’s favourite uncle because he remained young at heart and he wasn’t afraid to be silly. Looking through family photographs these past few days I saw how bright his eyes shined whenever he was with the kids. I want you all to remember how much Uncle Ryan loved you and know now that you have a special angel in Heaven that is looking down on you and watching you ‘Like a Hawk’ just as Great Grandpa would expect him to do.
Even though Ryan struggled doubly these last few years that didn’t stop him from caring about others and wanting to make a difference. I will cherish the time we spent volunteering at the cat shelter together. Even though Ryan was deep in depression he never missed a scheduled shift. He loved seeing the cats. He made a point every time we went there to greet each cat before going about our duties and we couldn’t leave till he made the rounds around the shelter one more time to say goodbye.
Ryan couldn’t say no to anyone that needed his help. Through his own struggle to stay alive his heart remained open and he was there when anyone needed him. He would listen on the phone for hours to friends that would call him, because he was a good listener and gave the best advice. He judged no one. He knew how hard life was and he understood that everyone was doing the best they could to get by. I used to get mad at him and tell him you are not a homeless shelter because no matter where Ryan was living, a two bedroom apartment, a bachelor or even a room, if someone needed a place to stay they knew Ryan would let them in despite the consequences to himself.
Even amidst all his struggles Ryan continued to be an advocate and to bring awareness to issues that people wanted to remain blind to. Issues regarding mental illness and addiction, poverty and homelessness. He advocated for changes such as police accountability, increased funding for mental health, and decriminalization of drugs and safe supply.
Just last week Ryan told me he brags about me to his friends all the time. Many of them have families that have given up on them. He said he tells them “My mom is different. She cares about people like us. She collects socks for the homeless, she talks to the police about how to do a better job dealing with people in crisis and she is trying to get a safe consumption site in Barrie.” He said “I am proud of you mom.” I did these things for you Ryan. Because of who you are and how you inspire me.
Amongst all my children I always thought Ryan was the most like me. A deep thinking, sensitive soul that knew too much about the injustices of this world, and cared too much, and had too loving a soul. The world is hard and painful for people like us. I knew how much this world hurt him because it hurt me too.
I am proud of you Ryan! For your love, for your compassion, for your bravery. You weren’t afraid to tell it as it, to put yourself out there and to stand up for what you believe in. You inspired me every single day of your life and you will continue to be the light that guides me for the rest of mine. I won’t give up the fight Ryan, for you, for everything you went through and everything you stood for. This is my promise.
I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my hero you’ll be.
